Respect the Survived

It has been such a long time since I have felt I had anything of value to say. Part of that is that not as many things strike me in that place where my passions burn, at least nothing I think that needs sharing with anyone but the people concerned. This one however I think we all could benefit from.

I already know that this is going to offend some people. I don't write these to make friends, I make them to try and better myself and the human race as a whole through opinions. If you have another opinion please, by all means let me know. If you are one of those people I want you to really think about this. You are where the change needs to occur.

This post is about dealing with death. I was about to say the death of someone you knew, but we as a species seem to think we have the right to mourn everyone. We don't. We have a time frame for public outcry. I'll give you these time frames and then I will explain why. I will also explain why it is so offensive for you to carry on when your time frame is up. Please understand that I am not telling you to forget these people, I am just asking you to respect the dead and the people that actually need longer to recover.

The first level of personal investment is national. A huge tragedy occurs, hundreds or thousands of people die. As a nation I'd give the mourning period about a month and then it is time to shut up and let the people that actually lost someone come to terms with it without an entire country telling them how tragic it is. I also happen to believe that an entire nation of people that are unwilling to let the dead go do not allow them the peace they deserve. I would like to state that if there IS something you can DO about it then by all means, do it.

The second level. Casual friends and family. You know them, you like them and if you accidentally run into them at the supermarket you say hello, you might even hug. You also have a month. You have no right to burden the people that depended on the deceased with your should have, could have, would have. ONE MONTH. Go to the funeral, cry with everyone else, and remember them fondly. Do not carry on for months. It is disrespectful. If you didn't have time for them on a nearly daily basis when they were alive, give them and the ones that did have the time the respect and peace to heal.

The third level. The best friends, and siblings. You have about a year. You saw them enough that it will take some getting used to and you may have even depended on them in some way or another. I will even say that it's ok to have the random pangs of emotion. Have a drink in their memory. If it's my best friend, that drink will be coffee.

The fourth level. Your parents. Whether you are close to them or not, (I am abnormally close to mine) you are going to feel their absence. These are the people that gave you life and the foundation of which you are made of. I'm not going to give this one or any of the rest a time frame. There will be dates that are sad, memories that make you want to both smile and cry at the same time, and that's ok. Take as long as you need, but remember that your parents would never in a million years want you to feel that way. These are the people that gave their lives to make sure yours was good, at least to the best of their ability.

The fifth level. Your partner. One of you is going to have to deal with it and I suspect if the deceased had emotions it would suck as much for them to go, as much as it does for the one left behind. Think about giving yourself mind body and soul to one person, and this person dumps you. You gave them pieces of you, you will of course mourn that loss but eventually you realize that those pieces live on even tho the relationship didn't. However, if they are the first and last face you see and then all of a sudden that is gone, forever, there is no recovering, there is only survival. No one else no matter how close they were can be so effected by this loss accept for the next level heaven forbid. These are the people I started this post for, these are the people that are trying to find small moments of joy when they just lost a piece of their soul. These are the people who can do well without hearing constantly and selfishly how much you miss them because as much as you felt that persons loss their surviving partner has lost a living breathing piece of themselves, so for crying out loud, for them and that person you miss so much, shut up.

The sixth level, and I wish this on no person ever. Your children. The person you reinvented yourself for, the reason you used to be this or that and now you are mom or dad. The person you would step in front of a train for, there is no getting over that loss. There is no greater feeling of loss and failure. There is no moment in your life where you don't stop and think my child will never do this. I only have this to say in your defense, if any one person is insensitive to your grief or can't understand why you are not all together sane anymore you let me know. (If you don't know me I can't make this promise to you even tho I wish I could) You let me know and I will personally handle them. Even my own parents if I ever did something as horrible as leave you and someone disrespects your grief you let me know and I will find a way to handle them. Even the thought as a parent and a child is devastating to me.

I know that this post is a little morbid and perhaps at times rude, I am just so tired of seeing people that need to heal and survive their grief suffer the bombardment of selfish people that prefer to dwell on the dead rather then the living.

Addendum added on 6/13/2021, those limits I placed are just a suggestion. I remember feeling intensely disappointed at the time so I was a bit harsh. It's not about how long you can grieve, I can't place a number on that for you. I am simply saying, think about how you are hurting someone through your grief.

#death #deathlossandrecovery #loss #mourning #respect